Dear Readers,
Some of you might have the mistaken impression that I was forced to make the Tea and Crumpets in the same way that you are forced to make useless posters at school. You may think that my teacher (who is my mother) told me that I had to start a newspaper. This is not the case. I created this newspaper by my own free will, and will continue to do so until I get bored with it. I wonder, though, what grade a teacher would give this zine. Considering its insane content, I expect they would send me to the counselor. Hmm. How nice. How amazing.
Mary Moberly
Senior Editor
The One Thing You Should Never Do Is........
Hera W.
One thing you should never do is; make friends with a Fuji Fudge Figure. A Fuji Fudge Figure comes in a compact container from the Fuji Fudge Corp. in Fuji. Once you have exposed the Fuji Fudge to the mixture of nitrogen, oxygen, and other gases (also referred to as air) you will see a clump of Fuji Fudge. You shall then form the Fuji Fudge into a figure. You then insert the "Knowledgeable Brain Diskette" so the Fuji Fudge Figure can create brain activity. The Fuji Fudge Figure always performs the antithesis of what you express. It is pleasing to it to pulverize you often. It is the daily routine (most likely helter-skelter luncheon period.) If you attempt to ingest any segment of the Fuji Fudge Figure it will gormandize you first (trust me.) The Fuji Fudge Figure has slumber most of the time so it is surpassingly irksome. It slumbers up to 20, 60-minute periods every 24, 60-minute periods. If you attempt to bestir the Fuji Fudge Figure it will destroy you, and you may trigger self-destruction of it. The self-destruction of the Fuji Fudge Figure's force can be sufficient to mushroom of the whole world. The sole way to decapitate it is to dichotomize it into a million pieces when it beleaguers you. Put weaved metal pieces in front of you well being/ tortured being right when it approaches you. It then will be defunct. If you don't want your procreators to cognize about this mess, then I hope you're hungry!
A History of the Piano
by Mary Moberly
The first instrument to look anything like a piano was the Clavichord. It was invented in about the 1300s, but wasn't used much until it was revived by Arnold Dolmetsch in the end of the 1800s. It was principally used in German-speaking places. It was simply a box 4 feet in length and 1 foot wide, that could be set on a table and opened so you could see the hammers striking the strings as you played. It was not a very loud instrument at all.
Next came the virginals, in about 1460. They were in appearance very much like the clavichord, only their strings were plucked instead of hammered. There was also the spinet, which did not usually resemble a box, but was more like a miniature harpischord. It appears to me that the virginal and the spinet were more affordable versions of the harpischord, a beautiful plucked keyboard instrument which was very fashionable until the piano became "the thing" in the late 1700s and has been ever since.
The pianoforte was invented by Bartolomeo Cristofori (1635-1731) in about 1709. He was a builder of harpischords, and for some reason decided to make one with strings that were hammered rather than plucked. The first music that was written specifically for the piano was composed by Lodovico Giustini in 1732.
"In 1768 Johann Christian Bach's London recital made the piano instantly fashionable and ended the supremacy of the harpischord." - The Encyclopedia of Music
"The pianoforte is the most perfect of all musical instruments: its invention was to music what the invention of printing was to poetry." - George Bernard Shaw
Sources (so you can learn more):
"A History of the Piano, 1157-2003." UK Piano Page. 2004. Pages
designed by Barrie Heaton. 18 Mar. 2005.
http://www.uk-piano.org/history/history_1.html
"Keyboard Instrument." Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia. 7 Mar.
2005. 18 Mar. 2005.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keyboard_instruments
Wade-Matthews, Max, and Thompson, Wendy. The Encyclopedia
of Music. London: Hermes House, 2003